TRINITY POINTS
AFFINITY
Having
closed to within a fart's length of Trinity last week, the Batshuyai
boys must this week watch Big Frank and his Rangers speeding into the
distance. 48 points spring from the boots of the Trinity massive,
which not only distances Batshuyai but also vaults them above son
Richard and his Steely Balls. The defence - Leno, 3 Sheff U. boys,
Wolfie Doherty and Ricardo Pereira - stay clean as a whistle for a 30
point bag, and there are four apiece from ShiteHawk Maddison and
goalscorers Wood and Sergeant Wilson. A fiver from Sheffy
Lundstram polishes things up to a bright shine, quite dazzling.
Second banana is grabbed by Yusef's Guerillas, who manage only one
point fewer than Trinity, a bag that takes them past Flibble into 5th.
Harvey Barnes is the big dog, racking up 14 points to feature as this
week's Hero, and there are four clean sheets to go with fivers from
Lundstram and the Nozzle, who is apparently still alive, despite the
rumours.
Gary's Krul boys pick up the crumbs with an excellent 44 pointer that
takes them within 10 points of second spot, though that is now occupied
by the Kebabers, who surrendered the top spot to my Chicago boys.
After Norwich booted Spuds out of the FACUP, Gary was tempted to give
Tim Krul a go in his first team, but finally decided to stick with
Schmeichel, and a good decision it was. Schmeichel stayed clean,
as did Egan and Coady, Chelsea boys Mount, 8, Barkley, 6, and Giroud, 5,
clocked up 19 between them, and Sadio Mane topped things off with a
tasty arfa.
WEEK 29 REPORT
BO' SELECTA
I'm treating myself to a Cuban Stogie this week, to celebrate a triple
hit of dodgy decisions. Richard's Steely Balls would not have
clanged together quite so forcefully if he had picked Lamela and
McTominay instead of Ings and Jesus - but then who has the nerve to drop
the Jesus? Pedro committed the capital offence of dropping their
eponymous Chelsea boy, who then scored a tenner and would have given
them an extra 11 if he'd replaced Bernardo Silva. And Star Turn
goes to Adam's Batshuyai boys, who might have selected Wan-Bissaka and
Mount instead of Aurier and Grealish for an extra 14. Well done
everyone, even the top 2, Kebabers and Chicago did their best, each
dropping a niner. I'm really enjoying this cigar.
PLAYER OF THE WEEK
This is Leicester's prodigy, Harvey Nichols Barnes and Wallace.
He is only 22 but this week outshone the entire league in skill,
imagination, speed and coolness under pressure. If Leicester ever
want to sell him, the buyers are gonna need deeeeep pockets.
REFFIN' HELL
At Arsenal, Lacazette scored even though the Lino's flag was raised for
an offside. VAR checked the action and it proved conclusively that
there had been no offside. It was a close call, and Sian
Massey, the AssRef, didn't raise the flag until the ball was in the net.
So, everything was done in a correct and orderly fashion and VAR
funtioned as it is supposed to, correcting a clear and obvious error.
Not according to Moe, though. "We should trust the linos," he
burbled, "we don't need to involve anybody else." What a surprise,
a manager who wants no review of officials' decisions, as long as they're in his
favour.
Burnley v Spurs ended 1 each, but Dyche's boys should
have had a penalty for a foul by Davinson Sanchez on Chris Wood.
Sanchez had leapt into Wood's back, allegedly contesting a high ball,
but in fact getting nowhere near it. Anywhere on the pitch that
action is a foul and a free kick, but somehow Jon Moss and VAR Craig
Pawson thought it was a fair challenge. In which case a coupla
weeks off and a visit to SpecSavers are in order.
Elsewhere,
Man Utd's first goal came from a free kick that wasn't; Lacazette was
seized around the neck by Ogbonna and yanked about like a puppet on a
string, but because he "put his arm out" (Weasel Gallagher) it was
deemed 50 - 50 and no penalty; and Bournemouth's goal against
Liverpool came directly after a mighty shove in the back by Wilson on
Gomez, unpenalised by Paul Tierney.
And somehow, Wilf Zaha,
already booked, having been fouled by Capoue, raised his hand and shove
Capoue in the face, and yet was not further punished. Instead,
Anthony Taylor, having booked Capoue for the challenge, evened things up
by booking Kouyate, for some reason.
SECRET SQUIRREL'S DIARY
When Mikel Arteta took over at Arsenal, they were in 10th spot, 27
points behind the leaders, 17 points off 2nd and 7 points off the Euro
places. This week, they are in 10th spot, 42 behind the leaders,
20 off 2nd and 8 off the Euro places. They do have a game in hand
on most other teams, but is there really any evidence that Arteta is any
better than Unai Emery?
CARTWRIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Game 18, and after I said there was no holding Verti Kong, I am proved
wrong by Krul and the Gang, who swipe the top spot by beating MoLO
Express 44 - 7 while the Kong boys lose a titanic struggle against the
Guerillas, 43 - 47. This allows Krul to lead on Points Difference,
190 - 106, and the Guerillas move up to 6th. Third spot is held by Kebaberdeen despite them losing 30 - 43
to my Chicago boys, which moves us up to 5th, while Trinity rise to 4th
with a 48 - 16 whupping of Hamlet Academical. Batshuyai Crazy
rise to 8th by taking down Flibble by a single point, 14 - 13 and Richard's Balls of Steel drop to 7th after a 24 - 18 defeat to sister
Lorraine's Pedro. Proper Job have a week off, and drop to 9th.
PREDICT A £MILLION
It's like deja-vu all over again, as Christy takes the £2mill once more,
though it needed 12 points this time, and Elliot picks up the £1mill
with a better Golden Goal prediction than Lewis.
HIT PARADE & SKILLMEISTER
