CRAZY CAPERS
After last week's explosion from Pedro, I thought it would be a
while before we saw another freakish giganto score, and while we haven't
quite got that, we might have done. Adam's Batsh-uayi Crazy squad are
the suspects, and they take the headline and the big cake for a 38 pointer,
which is pretty good going, but see Glenn and Bo' Selecta for the grisly
details of what hight have been. Trust in the Special One was
rewarded by two Spuddy clean sheets, from Gazzaniga and Vertonghen, and
Sheffy Baldock, while not clean, bagged 8 with a goal and assist.
Another 8 came from Sissoko, who rounded off the Spuddy goal fest against
Burnley, and there was a fiver from Richarlison and a goal from Grealish.
They do not advance up the table, but both they and Flibble help to
compress the middle of the table.
36 points and second banana go to Richard & William, who do rise from 9th
to 7th, skipping past Pedro and the Guerillas. It's largely the
Spuds, of course, with 8 from Moura, arfa from Alli, and a fiver from
Aurier, but there's also an arfa from Salah and, almost unbelievably,
another goal from Danny Ings.
There's no stopping him.
Sharing the third place cake crumbs we have Flibble, the Guerillas and
Trinity, who each find a way to clock up 32. Flibble have 8 from
Oxbow-Chamberpot and arfa from newboy Shelvey; the Guerillas have 7
from Pepe le Pew and an arfa from Henderson, as well as a coupla cleans;
and Trinity have 8 from Diogo Jota, 7 from ShiteHawk Maddison, and an arfa
from Son, which includes the goal of the season.
WEEK
16 REPORT
BO' SELECTA
A
couple more wastrels come in for their Bo' Selecting tickets this week, and
they're a pair of corkers. None of yer piddling 10 or 11 point
drops for these boys - no, they get right into it. Big Frank (I
know you're all pleased to see him back after his absence last week)
stumbles over 17 points, leaving out his Sheffield boys Egan, Stevens
and Baldock, who might have replaced Wood, Doherty and
Sarn't Wilson for a 17 point profit. But even better from my
viewpoint are this week's headliners, the Batshit boys, whose 38 pointer
might have been a ring-tightening 57. All Adam had to do was pick
Keita, Martial and Gomez, and drop Mount, Ward-Prowse and
Chilwell. Oh boyoboyoboy.
PLAYER OF THE WEEK
Is
he pleased to have scored, or has he just been stung in the nuts by a
swarm of wasps? It's hard to tell, but the HarriKane seems to
be responding well to The Special One. Which raises the
question, why didn't Spuds play like this for Poch? Were they
just coasting, deliberately playing badly? Because I'm pretty
sure that would amount to criminal fraud, though it would be
difficult to prove.
OLD NICK'S CHOPPER
How are the mighty fallen? In this case last week's blockbusting
headliners No Way Pedro, fall from the heights of a 54 point Himalayan
peak to the depths of an 11 point moley hill. I do not even need
to sharpen my weapon as I dispatch the snivelling wretches.
REFFIN' HELL
Grabbing
an opponent round the neck and dragging them to the ground is such a
dangerous manouevre that in Rugby, a game that encourages players to
grab each other and fling them around, it is known as a 'neck roll' and
is often punished by a red card. Gary Cahill perpetuated just such
a tackle this week, on Troy Deeney. Not only did Son of Ron see
nothing wrong with that, but his VAR, Andre Marriner, agreed with him.
So two senior referees have a clear view of one of the most dangerous
moves in sport, yet decline to issue a red card, a yellow card or a
penalty kick. I'm used to official incompetence, but at this level
it's bordering on criminality.
At the Manchester Derby,
Fred threw himself to the ground to try to block a cross. The ball
hit his hand - clearly in an 'unnatural position' since it was on the
ground - but apparently this is no longer handball, and nothing was
given. In a similar event, Shaw threw his body in front of a
cross in an attempt to block it and succeeded in deflecting the ball
behind for a corner, off his elbow. Apparently this is also no
longer a handball, as nothing was given for this either. A cynical
man would guess that the handball rule had been amended to exclude ANY
contact between upper limbs and the ball, as long as the limb in
question was wearing a Manchester United shirt.
Three more Greg Louganis wannabe's this time. Man Utd's Daniel
James, Villa's John McGinn and our old friend Wobbler Zaha were all
guilty of third rate efforts to dupe the referees, and were deservedly
unsuccessful.
SECRET SQUIRREL'S DIARY
Some
names from the lower leagues who will surely be gracing the Premiership
before too long. At Yeovil, Courtney Duffus; at Bolton, Joe Dodoo;
and at Southend, Brandon Goodship, known as Lollipop. I'd buy all
of them.
Commenting on the West Ham v Arsenal match, ex
Arse-boy Alan Smith, shortly after Arsenal's second goal, as Leno and
defenders casually knocked the ball around their own area - "I may be wrong, but
I think we've seen the end of the goalscoring for tonight." 29
seconds later, Pepe to Aubameyang and "Would you like fries with those
words, Alan?"
Watching Villa being dismantled by Leicester, I
observed Jack Grealish, off the ball, run full into Ricardo Pereira and
flatten him. Nothing was seen by any official, so nothing was
done. A case for retrospective action? Not unless it's a
potential red card, apparently. So Grealyboy gets away with his
nasty, petty little bit of violence. I don't like Grealish, he's a
cheating coward and he has a stupid haircut and poncey socks.
Follow the picture link of Ben Cartwright, from 'Bonanza' for the full details of the Cartwright Championship.
PREDICT A £MILLION
Tom swoops in to grab the £2mill for his 11 point predictions, and
Elliot takes the £1mill for an 8 pointer.
HIT PARADE & SKILLMEISTER
