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Week 23

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Isaac Hayden and Virgil Van Dijk bag niners for goal&clean combos................while Steve Cook's magnificent save only bagged him a red card

Week 22

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Sergio Aguero demolishes Villa to the tune of 15 points................while this is the nearest I could get to group photo of the Villa defence.

Week 21

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Mark Noble (or is it David Platt?) bags 14, with the aid of a dodgy penalty..................while Harry Wilson looks at his fellow Bournemouth boys as if to say "where did it all go wrong?".

Week 20

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Troy Deeney gets into the seasonal spirit with a rendition of O Little Town of Bethlehem....................while the Spud Aurier bags another oggie and wishes he hadn't eaten the sausage roll he found by the corner flag.

Week 19

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Smuggy von Smuggerson, alias Alexander-Arnold, bags 13 for the Flibble Boys....................while the exuberantly tattooed Lydia Ederson (what IS that on his Gregory?) cops a first half red card and minus 3 goals for a minus 6 total.

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Willian makes the most of playing against a dispirited Spurs....................while a seasonal game of Charades sees Wan-Bissaka doing his Hunchback of Notre Dame, while Son Heung-Min says "Not Quasimodo, you say ONE syllable!"

Week 17

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As modest as he is talented, De Bruyne is captured wearing a rare smile....................while De Bruyne wannabe Grealyboy misses a penalty, but still flaunts an inexplicable haircut and even worse socks.

Week 16

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Harry is either very happy, or he's just been nut-stung by a swarm of wasps......................while the Burnley defence are neither this colourful, nor this mobile.

Week 15

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Rashford enjoys the fruits of an undeserved penalty with a full Pavarotti.......................while Mamadou Sakho - you have got to be f'kin joking!

Week 14

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Ten pointers Van Dijk and Alli fail to de-wax an ear on the run and execute a Fred Scuttle salute.......................while Heaton bags a very unlucky oggie, and Norwich's Zimmerman demonstrates his penalty conceding technique.

Week 13

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James Tarkowski proclaims himself number 1, as indeed he is..........while Bournemouth's Captain Simon Francis, has the look of a man who dropped a £20 note, and got unexpectedly bummed when he bent to retrieve it.

Week 12

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Gerard 'You Can't Lick That' Deulofeu celebrates his 9 point top doggery..........while Brighton's Davy Propper is heartbroken over his oggie.

Week 11

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Sheffield's John Lundstram blows kisses to the Burnley defence after his double strike..........while Heung-Min Son (with the red nose) joins the West Ham and Burnley defences for a bow-tie competition.

Week 10

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Vardy does his Howler Monkey celebration, while Pulisic is happy to remind us of the Fonz. "Heyyyy!"..........Southampton's Bertrand tries to figure out where minus 12 points came from, a record he probably doesn't want.

Week 09

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Marcos Alonso bursts into song after rifling one into the Toon's net..............................while Brighton's red cardist, Mooy, concentrates on walking straight... left foot, right foot,  right.. no, bugger...left foot...

Week 08

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Villa's Hourihane and Wolfie Traore each bagged a dozen...............................while the Canaries' Aarons and Lewis have each shipped 5 goals, and are feeling a bit inadequate

Week 07

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Ricardo Pereira's tenner is good enough for Top Dog Bone................................while the Toon's Isaac Hayden can't believe the red card the ref is waving is for him.

Week 06

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Bernardo Silva is mighty pleased with his 16 pointer................................according to Troy Deeney, Foster "eats shit, trains twice a week and plays like a f'kin genius." Let in 8 though, didn't he?

Week 05

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Tammy Abraham celebrates a classy hat-trick, despite resembling an Air Dancer................................while Palace's Oggie bagger Van Aanholt is still looking for the seagull that shat on his head.

Week 04

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Sergio and Jamie each bag a dozen, and celebrate accordingly, .................................while Villa's Trezeguet (not that one) and Zouma end with minus 4 apiece, and look suitably irritated.

Week 03

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Mo Salah has just realised why Van Dijk is nicknamed 'Dick and Tammy (Kevin) Abraham gazes pensively into a £multi-million future,...............   while Brighton's Andone is apprehended for his heinous foul on Yan Valery.  "It's a fair cop", quoth he.

Week 02

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Teemu Pukki celebrates a hat-trick, and access to Delia's latest pies................   while Villa's Heaton describes the rat he saw that distracted him into kicking over Sergeant Wilson.  "It was that long - THAT, with the tail! "  

Week 01

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16 point Sterling celebrates with a quick burst of YMCA...............   While Hammer Issa Diop concedes a penalty and sucks down 5 goals. Leaves a taste, dunnit?